Innadequate.

All the days in my life have been blending together. Sometimes I feel like I've lost all of my motivation. I think loss of motivation is worse than feeling depressed. Being depressed is sort of a challenge. It's like "okay you're here now lets make the stakes higher" and so you have to FIND something to keep living for even if it's just false hope. Sometimes I hate being a cynic because I’m not sure if I can ever be happy being content. Maybe it’s the fact that my classes are such a bore that I’m trying to challenge myself in other areas in my life because without the depression school is a piece of cake. I’m concentrating better, I’m writing better I feel like all the guns in my arsenal have been buffed and polished like they’re top of the line now.

Sometimes I can feel myself slacking because then I have to try “Extra” hard to get my grades back up or something…. Despite the 3.8ish GPA….For some reason I feel kind of blah like the fucking Prozac took all of the life out of me. Like a dementor’s kiss or something. I find myself just longing for some kind of direction…. In the end I’m the one that needs to figure things out and while others can be great supporters and can open some doors I think I’m going to have to do all of the figuring out. I’m never good at following my heart, I mean I feel like I’ve lost myself in this haze of what is “expected” of me. I keep telling myself that I desperately need to separate myself from everyone for awhile and just figure things out but for some reason there’s always something standing in the way. Maybe I don’t need to be alone to figure things out maybe I need to learn to become myself without fearing the judgmental people of the world. I don’t know why I feel that I need so much acceptance all the time… I guess it’s just a thing with me… Like pleasing people you know? And by trying to please people again I feel like I’ve lost a firm grip on myself. I can remember when I was a kid nothing EVER seemed good enough… I was that kid you know? That kid who was AVERAGE just BLAH and PLAIN who didn’t have any special anythings.. I still feel like THAT GIRL. That girl that doesn’t have any foothold. A lot of the time I feel like while everyone LIVES actually Lives I’m that person who watches, I’ve felt like the “observer” my entire life. Instead of being this or that I just watched and wanted to be this or that. I’m just a fraud, pretty much. I hate it.